monsters in the night

lights are off. geckos are having their nocturnal chats, possibly claiming their wall turf. the hum of the fan is a reminder that it’s not fall here.

finding the right spot on this strange pillow, they come.

are we up for all the waiting for it to work out?
what if we don’t get visas?
how steady will our income be, online and off?
are we crazy?
how long will it be before we tire of this guesthouse “home”?
in this uncertainty, how can we hope to have a child?
have we pushed that desire back too far? will it happen at all?
what is our plan b? c?
if international teaching is back on the table, will i be alright?
is this worth it?
is this all one big mistake?

if there were gremlins before…within the packing, the planning, the guessing and explaining.

before, when the initial elation of touching ground hit and there was brief celebration.

if there were gremlins before…

…then now, there, in the dark, right before sleep, are monsters.

and they’re vicious.

pillow image: Fraser Marr + original touch

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18 comments
  1. Marianne said:

    Yes, the monsters.

    Here’s one way I like to think of them (inspired by my friend Tara Mohr) – they are the guardians of the comfort zone of my life. If I’m not stepping out of my comfort zone, they can snooze. But when I start to take big risks, to live a life of uncertainty and possibility – they wake up screaming. Their job, as they see it – is to get me back in the circle, to keep me away from the gate that takes me out into the spaces of the unknown. And once I walk out that gate they don’t give up, they just get louder.

    So when the voices get louder and louder, it’s not because they are getting more and more right – it’s just because I’m moving closer and closer to possibility, farther from certainty, closer to the life I really want to live.

    And they are still hoping to bring me back.

    Sending love.

  2. Marianne, your words are refreshing and beautiful. I fully believe in their message. It seems so much our human nature to recoil when those feelings come up. I’ve actually thought about buying a ticket home! But, the more I am WITH these feelings, the milder their hold has on me. Thank you so much for chiming in here. Hugs.

  3. Kris said:

    Wow! I love your take on the night voices Marianne. Thanks for bringing the issue to the fore Christine. In this time of change we are definitely hearing them too! – Kris and Sea

  4. Dina said:

    Oh sweetie, I know exactly about your monster friends. I had monsters after Nora was born; I thought endlessly about everything. I would continue to have monsters in my dreams and just within the past month, 5.5 years after my daughter was born i sleep in peace. I sleep without the aid of a sleeping pill and i stuffed those monsters down the drain. It may also be that i am at peace with where i am in life right now.

    Christine, hang in there, enjoy yourself, breath in the beauty around you. What you are doing is amazing, i have been in your situation about 3 times in my 20’s. I embraced the adventure and each time it turned out great! You have barely started your adventure, take it day by day. Your dreams are right in front of you, just waiting to be found.
    Hugs to you my dear.

  5. Kris said:

    The monsters are definitely keeping me up. Now I know why. I am definitely out of my comfort zone and every moment seems it’s filled with newness. Thanks, Marianne, I now know what is happening inside my head. I can keep pushing outside my comfort zone and be at peace with those monsters. -Sean

  6. Alex said:

    Look in the mirror and see the warrior staring back at you! Know in yourself, like all those who know you do! You are writing a story that is unique, your own, and totally inspiring. It took strength and vision to make these steps. Trust in what brought you here. And tell those monsters to find a new hiding place!

    I love following your story…
    Sending you love and faith…

  7. Diane said:

    I am thinking of you two all the time. Remember my dear, there are no mistakes, just experiences. Pushing back decisions to far just means pulling them back to the forefront once again. Settling in doesn’t necessarily mean settling down. And change is is the only constant in this life. You will be changing, changing, and changing again, with hugs hopes and support from one one of the world to the other. And when it all creeps up at night, take some deep breaths and remember, if the process is neat and tidy, it’s probably boring. When fear creeps in, stare at it in the eye and remember who you are. Loved, cherished, and powerful beyond measure. Peel back the clouds and let the sunshine seep in. Love you!

  8. So many nuggets of wisdom there, I can pick one a day to carry around with me. Thank you SO much, Diane. You are wonderful.

  9. It’s exactly this kind of support and love that keeps us going. We appreciate having you join the journey…you’ll never know how much. Sending love and faith back, friend.

  10. The monsters can get to you as you doubt whether you are doing the right thing or not but I have to say it is much worse to hear the monsters that whisper you are withering your life away by not doing anything.

  11. Completely in agreement, Ayngelina. No withering allowed.

  12. I know you both get this! It’s amazing how often we do this to ourselves, right? But, there’s a delicious tangible quality to life when you’re stretching that zone. Here’s to the adventure. Best of luck to you, Fellers.

  13. at any point in time you are exactly where you’re meant to be…

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