The cruelest waiting game

Every month I am forced to play a game. It’s not fun. It involves waiting. And, who likes to wait…for anything?

It goes like this.

1. I say good morning to my ovulation monitor daily. Depending on the day, it waves back or tells me to pee on a stick. It’s not a particularly friendly device. No personality, really.

2. On the GO days, Hubby and I well…go. Sometimes, it’s not the best timing. Ugh. Timing and sex. Who would have thought they could be so difficult together? But, when you’ve spent all day at work + attended a painful meeting and had a dental appointment to follow, you’re not really feeling all that “in the mood”. Call me crazy.

3. After successes in the sack, I get optimistic. (It’s what happens hormonally and all that. ) Often, I catch myself counting nine months from the date to imagine when Baby might be born. Winter baby? I worry about finding cute, warm maternity clothes. Summer baby? I wonder if it’d be hard on the kid to get friends to birthday parties when school’s out for vacation. It’s a horrible habit, I know, but it comes from a place of hope.

4. The irritability starts. (Why the hell does Hubby leave empty tea bag wrappers in the cupboard?) Also, some emotional feelings come up. (Kids run across the large stones on the river. For some reason, this makes me cry.)

5. Finally, the pimples pop up. I get this one pretty consistently in the middle of my forehead. It gets red and prominent. I call it my monthly bindi.

When this last thing happens, I know. I already do.

Yet, I will myself to believe that pregnant ladies get emotional too; their skin gets all weird (doesn’t it?), so this could be a different signal.

This is when Time gets the most annoying. In a matter of hours it can say:

Well, well,well. You’re late. Quite late! I’d say a pregnancy test is in order, miss.

Or…

Yeah, not happening this time. Better luck next month, darlin’.

So far, it’s been the latter. Like a broken clock…ticking in place for nearly four years.

I need to change that damn clock.

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7 comments
  1. kate said:

    Isn’t is amazing how you know before you know. Fertile people don’t understand this and say things like, “I had no idea I was pregnant until like a week after my period was late.” They are clearly not counting each and every day of their cycle. I know it’s said in an attempt to comfort and to offer strength but it only ever makes me feel defeated and different, like I wasn’t invited to the party.

    Sending you lots of positive thoughts, friend.

  2. Hi Kate-thanks for the comment and positive thoughts. I’ve only now started to share this more and get more connected with women (and men, our dudes are having a rough time too) through blogs etc. The community is comforting. My best to you both as well. :)

  3. Eric said:

    Reading this, is like reading a page out of Raffaella’s diary. Every time her “pimple” comes, she starts crying and can’t understand why it didn’t happen this time. I am the one to say, “But, you might be pregant too, you don’t know what it is like?” But she does know her cycle all to well. “Did we follow the instructions on the test? If ovulating, why are we not pregnant this month?” Plus, I can’t tell you how many pregnancy tests we’ve used if just late a day. The anticipation and excitement take over and you want to know…..My best wishes and hopes are with you and your husband.

  4. Holly said:

    The title says it all. This IS a cruel waiting game. I don’t have experience with this yet, but I feel for you lady. Hang in there … I am wishing good things on the horizon for you Xx.

  5. Thanks for that heartfelt message, Eric. Being a supportive husband is really the best thing there is in moments like this. And I don’t want to ignore the men in all of this. It’s difficult on you guys too. It’s painful for you as well. I also send you and Raffaella prayers and positive energy. Big hug.

  6. Chria said:

    I second Eric’s thoughts. Our first, Clara, happened practically before we knew it, and then we went through almost two years of the routine you describe (including a miscarriage, that one still hurts) before we made through with Annika. Truthfully, we had pretty much given up when Anni surprised us. Keep the faith, and remember to communicate about your feelings, both of you.

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