Trusting here and now

“May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.”

~Mother Teresa

This quote came to me just when I needed it.

Somewhere between lunch break and my last class of the day, I lost it…the trust.

This happens from time to time. How? Well, today it was this. I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my eyes focusing on the grays that stubbornly parade on my head and the faint lines on my face becoming more visible.

I feel old…

…like I should have a three year old by now, tugging at me, needing me, challenging my priorities… like I should be able to offer advice to my younger sister in her eighth month of pregnancy…like motherhood should be something that defines me already.

For a while now, I’ve had this tendency to focus on women who are pregnant or who’ve just had babies-in magazines, on TV, on Facebook updates. In particular, with women around ages 36-42,  I get a mixture of comfort and panic. On the one hand, I am uplifted hearing about women older than me getting pregnant. On the other, each notice makes me feel behind the clock. Some days, the ticking seems deafening.

There’s a long story here. But, the short of it is, we want a baby, and not getting one in the years of trying, has been hard to accept. It’s harder, even, to trust that we’re exactly where we’re meant to be.

Self-doubt is a persistent pain in the ass.

It natters, saying:

Hey, hey you, maybe you should have started trying a long time ago. Maybe saying no to the more aggressive fertility approaches is a dumb thing. Maybe you need to start that adoption process; doesn’t look like natural conception is gonna happen for you two. 

There are days when I cower under these thoughts and have a hard time looking past them.

There are also moments when I feel picked up, knowing that regardless of the disappointment, we’re exactly where we should be in this process.

I have no idea what’s in store for us in creating a family. But, surrounding myself with reminders like the one I received today is exactly the type of knowledge I want to settle into my bones.

photo credit

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11 comments
  1. Irene Morton said:

    Our pattern is to become so attached to an outcome! We manifest something and we want to be in control of how it happens. ‘May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be,’ is one of the most powerful statements we can live by. Our egos kick in and question, question, question it all the time. Step back, take in and enjoy where you are at right now and let the universe handle the ‘hows/whens’ of it all. Right now is all there is, enjoy it!

    P.S. You offer your sister more than you will ever know!

  2. Eric Hanson said:

    Christine, you are not alone in what you are going through. My wife and I are in very similar waters in several ways. We have been trying to have a child while contemplating whether to stay in Rome or move back to the states. We both have concerns about work and supporting our family. We too debate if we should do more on our path to having a child or allow nature to take its course. The concerns about age rack our thoughts as well. I can’t explain why yet, maybe the beautiful spring weather here, but for the first time in a long time, I am at peace with myself today. Then I read your post and the quote struck me as well.
    I hope the sun is shining on you and that you have a moment to enjoy it.

  3. Julie Rogers said:

    My heart has been there….. As you know, I am not the type of person to use quotes but this one helps me out sometimes:
    Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. ~Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland

  4. Ina said:

    Dearest, I love this quote! and in adition, it has the added bonus of being authored by yet another Albanian. Hope our paths cross someday. a big hug, Ina

  5. tina said:

    Hi. We’ve never met but I just read this post.

    Well, I have no children so it’s difficult for me to completely understand what you must be going through.
    All I know is that a few friends of mine were in the same boat and when they finally gave in to IVF, they became pregnant naturally.

    I’m also a huge fan of nutrition and well-being and wondered whether you have explored the route of acupuncture and looking at both of your diets.

    As I said, I don’t know anything about you so I hope I haven’t spoken out of tone or offended you in any way:)

    Personally, I believe very much that we are where we are for reasons unknown to us and we have the power to change our circumstances and our attitude to it all.
    Good Luck:)

  6. Holly said:

    I agree with Irene, that this is a most powerful quote. One to live by. It’s ok to have moments of self doubt, as long as they don’t linger too long. We don’t have to be strong and positive all the time.

    You are brave for sharing your feelings here on such a personal matter. I trust that a solution will present itself when the time is right.

    Sending you lots of positive energy Xx.

  7. mkells said:

    Christine, you are brave. You are wonderful!

  8. thank you for the kind words, mel.

  9. thank you for sharing so honestly, Eric. your comment inspired some peace in me too.

  10. Tina, thank you for your kind comment. Not offended at all. I, too, believe well being is key. Since we are in the midst of some large changes we are trying to keep our fears and stress in check. Those emotions do a lot to a body. And yes, I believe our beliefs are very powerful indeed.

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